Why then?
Why the
Do I find myself
Putting pen to paper
The way I used to do
The familiar comfort and ease
That filled all other writing before
My channel to vent my feelings
The one way to say my bit
And know my thoughts will convey
Portray the darkness inside
The solemn loneliness
The utter an bottomless despair
Crazy thoughts fill my mind
My world closing in on me
My space folding
I feel trapped by grief
Those strange helpless sensations
Seem to be returning
Those sensations I turned away from
Now with a bang
Where are we going
Good vs Evil
Right vs Wrong
Young vs Old
Times ldest opposites
When I look at life
And where I have been
What we've had seems a dream
The good and the bad
All seem to have reason
When I look at love
And what we've shared
The times we did right
the times we wronged each other
There always seemed to be
More right than wrong
And when i look at us
Weseem worlds apart
Yet we share a bond
A speciasl bond between two
A bond which seems to be braking
Cause lately all we do
Is argue fuss and fight
Does it really matter
Who's wrong and who's right
It's keeping me up at night
I have so many questions
But………..
Well before i get wrapped up
In my state of insanity
I better stop
But I want to say
That we are slipping,
Falling,…….
I don't if this time
If we'll be able to make it up
blind dreams
blind man talks about the future
as if he can see it,painting a picture
clear like evening news,quotes a scripture
known by His followers,he tells a story
of collapsed architecture,malnutrition models
that seek fame beyond the game,
paranoid prison politicians lustin' material glory,
persuadin' people to believe we're the same
while they worship money like pop idols.
he speaks wise woeful words that echo
an' navigate through trenches in the ghetto,
those who hear it are born again
they are truelly liberated from all pain,
testifying the true meaning of Love
praising the Redeemer high above,
they tell success stories that blow heads
weak hearts lured by the devils pie
they become like samson wit' out dreads
falling into nakedness of her lie,
siners rejoice as satan slaughters
the sheep,he gives glory to the daughters
who have lost their way…blood like flood
flowing like freedom chained in the neck,
the blind man speaks…but ears are deaf
who will hear what the blind see
who will know what will be
i can see the twilight in your eyes
i can see the twilight in your eyes
but i don’t know whether it’s the suns fall or rise
your voice cuts through the endless whys
but i can’t hear past my dying cries
and i could try for one last time
to see clearly through my rotting eyes
and i could try for one last time
to get back up just to compromise
i can feel the warmth of your hand
but i don’t know whether it’s love or hell
and i wonder at first glance
how it is that one could tell
and i could try for one last time
to see clearly through my rotting eyes
and i could try for one last time
to get back up just to compromise
i can hear the voice of an angel
but i don’t know if it’s Lucifer or Gabriel
maybe i should face my fears
maybe i could drown in tears
and i could try for one last time
to see clearly through my rotting eyes
and i could try for one last time
to get back up just to compromise
I begin o see the light
I BEGIN TO SEE THE LIGHT
In a dark tunnel I stood
Confused and depressed
Not wanting to go on
Not knowing what lies ahead
In that dark tunnel I stood
And stood
and stood
and stood
Till I could stand it no more
And at a time I believed
Believed nothing could be worse
But worse was yet to come
The darkness grew darker
I grew afraid
I was alone,the…..
Then the light appeared
The first glimpse of hope
The first sign of better things to come
And as sudden as that glimpse of light appeared
So too did the light become so bright
Now I can see
Now I have hope
Now I look forward to the future
Feeling Blue
FEELING BLUE
Dark grey clouds
A misty haze
Beginning to rain
Ending in some hail
Hot dry and scorched
Wishing for some water
Burning in the sand
A Lonely dark night
Noise in the distance
A stir in your heart
Breathless of fright
Lonely oh so lonely
Being by yourself
Guilt trip on your conscience
Feeling so blue
Lies and deceit
Hurt and pain
Honesty too late
Lost it all the same
Memory
It was a happening,
a moment in time,
some fifty years ago.
I remember
the pull on my shirt,
a plaintive voice
a cry for help,
the revulsion
For Iraqi girl,
age close to seven,
dress torn,
sandals broken,
cupped hands
outstretched;
no nose, no cheek,
no right eye;
instead
a gap, a void,
a festering hole.
Horror struck,
I search,
I find a coin,
a silver one,
to give, to push
into her hand.
Girl with only half a face,
please go away.
please leave my view,
seeing you
I ache, I pain
I hurt, for
you do offend.
She had run,
had scurried off,
was quickly gone.
Now when I close my eyes
10 October 2006
Suicide
Suicide
This is all I can say
about the suicide,
the attempt
to end my wretched life.
Sad, lonely, desperate, tired,
Each week I trek,
two cities,
one holds all I cherish,
other
speaks a different tongue.
They ignore me
standing at the bar.
I do not understand,
they do not hear my tale,
I have another drink.
The glass that soothes
my troubled brow,
I drink some more.
I drink, I think and
wonder what to do.
I hate this place that
gives me bread but
has no love to give,
I long for end of week
to journey back.
So I drink and think
of other town,
of precious girl
I love, and I want to
give my name.
No money, to far apart,
still married,
children
gone to other land
that’s far away.
I have another drink,
I drink the night away.
Mind now muddled,
Feet unsteady,
I stagger to my bed.
Night after night,
the same routine.
Drink, sad, lonely
drink some more,
till Friday comes.
One weekend
happy but not happy,
decide to steal an
extra night, before I
do the trek I hate
Morning comes
I must return to
town that hurts,
that stabs me in
the heart.
Separation, desperation
rules my mind,
a sadness overcomes,
my heart low
my spirits gone.
I have no go,
no desire, no wish
to be, here or there.
I just do not
want to be.
On road I find a bar,
a few drinks
is what I need,
to make things clear,
to see me on my way.
I do not return
to town that hurts,
that sees me low,
just two drinks and
I return to empty flat.
Fifty small black pills,
ten white pills,
I gulp down,
I do not want to wake
to feel more pain.
Lie down upon the bed,
I’m quiet now,
my mind has stopped.
A peace has comes to
rescue me, from pain.
Asleep now,
rest has come at last.
Long time coming,
trek here, trek there
how I hated it.
I was scared, guilty,
lonely, so unhappy.
I’m alright now
my mind has stopped
the silence soothes.
Goodnight world.
Next morning I awake
a chastened man,
many questions
asked
Alcohol spurned I grew
I began to change.
Married precious girl
who saved my life.
Happiness did come.
Bob Blackwell
09-12-2006
.
Until the next season
In memory of Thabo Maepa & Themba Sangweni
My head is heavy
My eyes are raining
Lost in my twenties
Uncertain of my thirties
This migrane is bashing my brains
Bashing my sane insane;
I can no longer embrace
The ache to brave this raging pain away.
When my soul vapourises into ice
I shall fly like an eagle in the sky
I know our meeting was brief
Do not grief for my early leave
For I was called for a reason
Until the next season.
Ngoako Joshua Phalakatshela
Copyright ©2006 Ngoako Joshua Phalakatshela
remembrance
the memory
out of nowhere
the memory of you
it's so real
the tears find their forgotten pathways on my cheeks
my head bows
my shoulders slump
the weight of sadness
pulls me into the pain of missing you
my eyes close
moving pictures
of your life
shared moments
i feel your love wrap itself around me
as you smile
you take me in your arms and everything is right again
my head buried in your neck
your warmth
your smell
our shared laughter
i remember
the joy
the overwhelming love
the devastating loss
i ache from the very depths of my soul
the knowing
in this life
i will never
see you again,
touch you,
talk to you,
hold your hand,
cry with you,
be with you,
tell you i love you
hear you tell me the same
never
the ache
it’s in my breath
it’s in every heartbeat
i can’t
how
and then
your love
your strength
you’re with me
you gave me life
you showed me love's gifts
you guided me on life's pathways
you picked me up when i fell
you believed in me when i couldn't go on
you waited for me when i was lost
you held me when i felt i was alone
you loved me always
you will be forever
my best friend
my mother