Retrospectator

Retrospectator

A beggar,
a master,
both roles that I play.
seeking forgiveness
from the dragons I slay.

A masterful beggar,
a clown in disguise,
searching for holes in the darkness
from which light may arise

Yes, I am a soldier
and here is my gun.
my hart and compassion
might again,
rise with the sun.

The curtain of doubt

The curtain of doubt that prevent my mind from exploding,
liberating the thoughts that I believe could change the attitude of most fellow Africans
The same curtain of doubt that deceived the teenage girl into aborting her first-born to be
That convinced the teenage boy, he’s nowhere near being cool without “zol”
This curtain is full of dust; I can’t breathe, my eyes cannot see, my destination is unforeseen
therefore I settle for the easiest way out
This dust of confusion brings fear of failure behind my every good aspiration
All the intentions are stuck behind the curtain, full of dust preventing sunlight from penetrating with its powerful rays bringing life to the needy pot-plant
The courage of conquering the fear brought by the curtain is lost in the darkness in absence of light bringing me hope overcoming the uncertainty that left me in Wilderness, the land ruled by king Darkness and queen Defeat
This curtain is full of dust; I can’t breathe, my eyes cannot see, my destination is unforeseen
therefore I settle for the easiest way out

The Nightmare Within

As night crawls closer
His eyes start to full with tears…
For he knows what cards fate has dealt him.
The darkness in itself brings comfort
As silence falls on the ground below him
Darkness clawing from within his skin,
As the night crawls closer,
He peels of his visage.
As the loneliness sets in,
His insecurities taking over that which he strived to protect
Thoughts of death encompasses his being…

As the night falls upon him,
Evilness seeps out from his soul
Voices running through his head
Screaming…
Pleading…
Insanity setting in
Clawing
Gnawing
Battling to get to the surface….
As the moon splashes over his face,
He feels the evilness inside him transforming.

As the moon fills the room
He realizes his fate is sealed….
Giving up,
Losing control…
Losing Consciousness …
As the moon moves across the sky,
Vivid Dreams… Fantasies…. Nightmares… Becoming reality…
or has it?
The screams of a child echoing through his head,
Staring through the eyes of a monster,
No control!!!!
“MY GOD STOP THIS MADNESS!!!!!!” He screams desperately
As the beast rips apart the child,
Blood gashing from its veins
Bones Crackling…
Devouring the screams
Finding pleasure in its pain….
Silence……

As the sun dares to raise his head
Afraid of the nightmares night might have caused,
An emptiness resides,
The reminisces of insanity gleaming from unknown afflictions,
As the orderlies wake him,
His eyes burning from the gleaming sunlight.
As he loses himself in the pale white walls
Amnesia sets in…
As he realizes…
He is lonely….
Once again

In the eyes that dont cry

In the eyes that don’t cry
I saw the brightest stars shine
you led me  from the darkness
of my own created hell

you showed me love
giving me hope
you build me up
you led me to believe

Together we will be
forever you will be mine
till the end of time

How could I know my darkness
stole your soul?
How could I know I pulled you
so low?

In the eyes that don’t cry
I saw the brightest tears
I did not want to see
You tried to break free

I did not allow you to feel
I did not allow you to live
You took your own life
and I lived what you feel

It was overwhelming,
blinding pain
and not all fine

I know you want no tears to fall
I’ll pretend to walk tall
I know you don’t want me to face
my road of darkness and my shame

So, I’ll hide in the shadow of my pain
I'll run in the rain
I battle to stay sane
I’ll bath in thunder storms
This is the now the norm

I’ll wait for my time
I know you will be mine
till the very end of time
because I lead you there
with my own selfish fear

The eyes that don’t cry
are the brightest stars that shine

Fear

The night burns in its wake,
Stone and glass ebb from its seams,
The sky is radiantly filled,
Before tearing itself away.

The smoke is blinding,
There is nothing to touch and I feel nothing,
Everything turns red and melts,
I stand alone before it.

My voice echo’s against the darkness,
Resounding before a deafening silence,
Bound into captivity,
I call but no one hears.

Sweet dawn

I drifted out of the scare
into the bright sounds of a thousand
sweet slicing chirps
I opened my eyes to see through my
minds eye
all the busy yellow weavers had taken a
moment to point their heads towards my room
through the face of the tiny curtain
crack
the morning smiled her blue strip
and two gentle jolts of new light
squeezed out the darkness
yielding my spirit
into a fresh appreciation
of the sweet new
spring day.

18 Sept 2007

The Entrance door and Exit Door of a Cina

The Entrance and exit of my coma

Selfish behavior! After all in worldly standards I had it all. With the exception of having my loved one back this pain haunted me and controlled the lack of hope in life. Finally this suicide attempt will succeed, my life of living without this pain was awaiting me, or so I thought No note this time, it’s far too dramatic, left my home fresh and sparkling. I had to be found in the same conditions that I had lived, that was of great consequence to me.

My last conscious memories I had before inserting the IV drip into my arm, slowly releasing the deadly poison refining it as it had a place of destiny. I was calm, had no fear in me and as the poison poured into me, plausible was the only emotion that I felt awaiting a world of blissful familiarity, as when I was a child. Those were my last moments, I had no hope within me, as hope creates dreams and dreams become reality.  

Instead I had no comprehension of the mammoth unexpected journey I would endure. From the time I lost consciousness and was officially in a coma, my mind and soul went on a voyage. Sounds unreal but my journey was one compared with being in a rollercoaster cart. Not on a rollercoaster as we know it, but rather a ride through hell. Darkness, destruction, immense evil and I the nominee when committing these vile acts. I knew I was in hell. This unfamiliar life, the perversion and evilness which I was physically experiencing while in a coma, was my most fear provoking reality in my soul. I had to face and overcome those fears The cart took me further, this time an out of body experience where I could see them trying to save my life, doctors shaking their heads, my only love just standing in shock and seeing little hope of survival

Funny how I heard my mom and loved one when they  disagreed   about what music I should listen to, My mother constantly praying and my loved one constantly reassuring me of his love, I witnessed it all whilst being in a coma.

Days later the pain eventually stopped when I was faced with a clear choice in my subconscious, kneeling in a room which resembled a planetarium, the question: do you want hope or do you want to enter into the other realm. I chose hope. That apparently was more of less the time I woke from my coma.
The miracle child I am called, my brain was not functioning and the amount of poison should have killed a horse. Now I look back cheating death, several times I tried yet this time it was not like before. I awoke from the coma, quite aware of what was said and done around me, which was a mystification to all. I now await my fate and the task that God ordained me to act upon. I too have a ticket to heaven that no thief can take, an eternal home that no divorce can break.

I have tried to forget…

I have tried
but I can’t
I’m sorry
I just can’t
get over the eighties
the Human League
haunts me.
I told myself not to play
but I made the mistake
and the past, yesterday’s intrigue flooded
“I hear colors black and red,
I’ll never read those books again”
yes that’s playing
I have not stolen it
I cannot handle
the missing pieces
of the eighties.
“don’t turn out the lights…
or I’ll go over the edge.”
the synth pumps
“I hear darkness…”

the organ, the synth, synth synth
that reminds me of Baffoni, and rowing, and
school
and,
“the things that dreams are made of”
the timing of this song in my youth
is stuck
forever
that tape, I played it again and again
and now it will never leave me
“ New York, ice cream…
TV, travel, good times”
Norman, Western Johnny, Johnny good times…”
TV games
Nintendo
eighties
I cannot listen anymore
It slays me
It was too good,
….!

24 May 2007

Princess Of Darkness

In my dark and secret place.
I have demons in my head.

They tell me, what to do.
They tell me, what to say.
They even tell me, what to feel.

Its pure evil.
These forces, have taken over me.

I can slip into the darkness, for days on.
I have become quite fond of the darkness.
and I've learnt how to enjoy, dwelling in the past.No matter how painful it is.

I feel safe in the darkness.
The pain that is supposed to hurt me is now somewhat comforting.

Its not I can't let go of my past.
I don't want to.

For my pain is all I know.
It's all I can respond to.
It's who I am,
and its who I always will be.

There's nothing better than the essence of drowning in my own tears.

The demons are gaining on me.
They are extremely powerful.

I surrender to them without a fight.
I gladly give up my bleeding soul,

as I can't be more damaged than I already am.

The Hole

I've been in a place where
darkness was the norm
Where black was all I could see
Where light was not in the vocabulary
Where God felt like just another word
There was a storm brewing inside and that
would've soon ruptured into a volcano
Only then I had a dream
There I was, deep beneath the surface of the earth
In a hole that was about to close soon
Only then I realized if this hole closed
I would certainly die
I started climbing, I struggled but continued
With dust as well as tears in my eyes
I had to watch out for rocks passing their way
every five minutes towards the bottom of the hole
The strangest thing happened then
I realized that I let myself down
And the only one who could get through to me was God
I was halfway there and finally
I could see the faintest piece of light
It surely came from above
It renewed my strenghth and today
I'm almost out of the hole